Being Here and Nowhere
25th February 2017 – where I contemplated about writing about my life over a really good episode of Chef’s Table.
I know that ‘being in the present moment’ is extremely important. For me it is not, for the most part, to de-stress but more to revel and remind myself that I am in fact living.
We make choices every day and they’re taken for granted or piled under multiple thoughts and everyday actions. They said robots will come in our future and I do think they’re already here – inside of us. How easy is it to say that you were on ‘autopilot’ most days or that you’re ‘spacing out’? Pretty easy. I’ve been doing that for the past couple of months.
A new job, a new country, a new schedule, a new pair of shoes – any reason can be every reason to clock out of consciousness and I am so so guilty of that. There’s so much about coping with the pressure and stress of having a job and it’s ironic to me because I know I am not saving lives yet I know what I have now is my life?
Obviously this is something I need to work on elaborating because what I am writing highly resembles a mental conversation I have with myself in front of the mirror.
On being present in the various mental states – here’s what’s happening to me so far:
- I’m in a new job now and it’s mostly what I think about. After going through a bit of a crisis last year, I was able to identify that I was passionate about small businesses and getting them started. It felt natural to sign up for a job that does that through advertising.
- In the 4 months that I’ve been employed, it is not exactly what I imagined. The positive truth is that it does make an impact to businesses so I’m learning and I’m being grateful for that.
- I have gone back to Mysore practice more frequently. While I still beat myself up for not being able to go every day, I do celebrate the one or two classes I am able to go in a week.
- And it’s funny sometimes, to be reminded how human and how easily you can lose physical strength but at the same time be given physical proof that mental conviction overrides physical weaknesses in practice.
- Flexibility and strength are totally zapped out of my body and yet practice is not as difficult as I thought it would be.
- I find myself going back to daydreaming about having a tiny store in a beach. What will I sell? I have no idea.
- Times on the bus are what I look forward to the most these days because I can daydream. I go back to every decision I’ve made and re-analyse each and every one.
- There are days were I would wish for one simple thing, a house in Ubud, and think just that connection would mean that that path is meant for me.
It’s like my mind is a copy-editing room with pile and piles of paper flying about and you don’t know what goes where.
There’s a line in one of the Roman Catholic prayer to the Holy Rosary that go something like, “by meditating upon these mysteries…we may imitate what we contain, and obtain what they promise. “With everything that’s happening, I just think about that. Not that I’m a devout Catholic but because there was wisdom in that phrase.
What I’ve come up with so far is that lesson that we look back into our lives with consciousness to learn who we were at that time of our lives. And there I days where I do not know who I am.